Margery Hauser is a New york City poet whose work has appeared in Poetica Magazine, Möbius, The Jewish Women’s Literary Annual, Umbrella and other journals, both print and online. Excerpts from ”Fairy Tale Mail” (which she published here at The Literary Lawyer) have appeared or will soon appear in Ides of March and The First Literary Review. When she is not writing poetry, she can often be found dancing, knitting, practicing yoga or working out with her tai chi broadsword. She is a member of the Parkside Poetry Collective, for whose encouragement and support she ever grateful.
Subject: Civil suit
We’ve read the facts pursuant to the case
regarding your late husband’s sad demise.
Regretfully, a lawsuit has no trace
of merit and therefore we do advise
that evidence a-plenty proves his fall
occurred while in commission of a crime.
No fault accrues to Pig and Pig, et al.
No damages are due you at this time.
His huffing and his puffing further show
a pre-existing illness and although
this wasn’t cause of death it surely must
support that bringing suit would be unjust.
Your husband died attempting a break-in
and so this suit is one you cannot win.
Subject: Pumpkineater v. Pumpkineater
My client in an affidavit swears
that he confined his faithless wife because
she had indulged in numerous affairs –
he didn’t think he’d broken any laws.
Her infidelities made him so sad
and left him feeling helpless, in disgrace;
in fact, you might say that she drove him mad
by throwing her amours smack in his face.
These acts diminished his capacity
to tell right from wrong. Her audacity
impelled him to this deed. He does regret
his rashness and hopes she can just forget,
forgive and drop the charges that she brought.
He simply was distressed and overwrought.
Subject: re: Pumpkineater v. Pumpkineater
Mrs. Pumpkineater’s life was hell
when Peter, in a fit of jealous rage,
confined her in a fetid pumpkin shell
no better than a jail cell or a cage.
She swears that she was faithful, always true
and kept her marriage vows although her mate
treated her most harshly in our view.
He threatened violence if she came home late.
She’s willing to drop charges and agree
to just divorce the beast, let him go free.
She wishes he would suffer as she did
but asks for nothing more than to be rid
of this abusive, cruel and jealous spouse.
Oh, by the way, she wants the car and house.
Subject: State v. Farmer’s Wife
Regarding claims by Mouse and Mouse and Mouse:
details of their de-tailing do support
the charge against the farmer’s vicious spouse.
We demand this case be tried in court.
The victims all are visually impaired
and wandered by pure chance across her path.
Under oath they all have so declared,
but she responded with unbridled wrath!
It’s clear she meant to take each Mouse’s life,
her WMD a carving knife.
We know that rodents often are maligned.
We know society neglects the blind.
The only way the Mice will be requited
is if their assailant is indicted.
Subject: Name Change
The miller’s daughter to my great surprise
has ruined my business plan – a sort of game
that asked contestants to vie for a prize
by guessing my most strange and secret name.
How that was managed she would never tell –
it’s not as if I bandied it about.
But she’s the queen and my plan’s shot to hell.
It looks as if my luck has just run out.
I had ideas – big ones – they’re all a bust.
She found me out so I must now adjust.
I’ve given it much thought and I’ve assessed
the possibilities that won’t be guessed.
Please amend the records; let them show
that my last name is Stiltskin, first name Joe.